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More Condom Jokes

Government Announcement...
The government announced today that it is changing it's emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.

Condom Multi Packs
A father and his 10 year old son walk into a drug store and they happen upon a big display of condoms. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday and one for Saturday.

"What's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "well that's for when you are in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night and 2 for Sunday morning."

"What's the 12 pack for?" the son asks. "That's for when you're married," the father tells him. "you have 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March....."

Three Ladies
Three ladies are having tea and talking about life. "I think my husband is having an affair," says the first "I found a pair of panties in his jacket pocket."

"What did you do" the second lady asked? "I went into his office over the weekend and I stapled them to his office door, right where his secretary, co-workers, and boss would all see them."

The second lady said "I think that my husband is having an affair also. I found a condom in his jacket pocket."

"What did you do" the first lady asked. "I took a pin and pricked it full of holes and then I put it back" said the second lady.

The third lady fainted.

The "Green Beret"
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows.

Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" ask the chemist. "I did", replied the assistant. "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house..."

Condoms for Russia
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of condom company. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.

The Grandfather
A grandfather is visiting his grandson at college. On the table he sees a box of condoms but he doesn't know what they are for. He decides to ask his grandson.

"Grandpa, those are condoms, they are rubber sacks that you use to keep your cigarettes dry" the boy says, too embarrassed to tell his grandfather what they really are.

The next day, the grandfather goes to a pharmacy. "I'd like a box of condoms" he says. The pharmacist asks if he would like any particular kind. He replies "big enough to fit a camel".

Mr. Peter Wants a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
  1. I do physical labor
  2. I work at great depths
  3. I work head first
  4. I do not get RDOís, weekends off or public holidays
  5. I work in a damp environment
  6. I donít get paid overtime or shift penalties
  7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
  8. I work in high temperatures
  9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from the administration:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
  1. You do not work eight hours straight
  2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
  3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team
  4. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
  5. You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
  6. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
  7. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
  8. You donít always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing correct protective outfits
  9. You donít wait untill pension age before retiring
  10. You donít like working double shifts
  11. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the dayís work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Olympic Medal
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: 'Olympic Condoms.' Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?' she blurts. 'What makes them so special? ''They're in three colors,' he replies, 'gold, silver, and bronze.''What color are you planning on wearing tonight?' she asks cheekily.'Why, gold, of course,' says the man proudly.'Really?' she responds. 'Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change.'

New Clients
A saleswoman from a major condom company was required to travel cross-country to meet a prospective buyer. Her boss asked her to take about 100 condoms of various types with her. As she was running late for her flight, she simply stuffed them all into her briefcase. The cab ride to the airport was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to throw her ticket at the counter and run onto the plane. As she jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the passengers and crew. They all stared amazed at the display and then looked to the woman who said sheepishly, 'I'm meeting a new client.'

Population Control
A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the doctors were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms. One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby. About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath. The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off." The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the heck his wife is pregnant again?" "He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to pee so badly that he cut the end off."

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